I used to drink and do drugs.

Later I figured out it was a form of self punishment because I thought it was my fault I was sexually abused.

I felt sad and dirty and ashamed. For me alcohol and drugs were a form of self torture, self punishment.

 

I started my healing journey for my past hurts and pains, which I’m still to this day working on. I looked at how I was not present for my children, how I neglected my family in home because I was so lost in my thoughts. I remember  waking up hung over and coming off the drugs and feeling 10 times worse. Feeling so alone.

 

One day I decided I was so sick and tired of feeling like shit. I start by quitting the hard core drugs first, then the prescription pills for depression. I felt somewhat better, but it wasn’t enough so I quit the drinking. The last thing I did was smoking weed, even that I felt like a zombie not able to hear my kids when they said “mom, mom, mom”. So I quit that next, my mom helped me so much through this time, taking care of my kids and taking me away from everything.

 

I moved to O’Chiese with my mom and started praying for myself every single day and throughout the day and night. I smudged and went to ceremony as much as could. I had friends who supported me on my sober journey that were also sober. Many phone calls, many supports and most important prayer.

 

I made it. I Sundanced for myself 4 years to stay clean and sober.

 

Finally my thoughts were clear, I’d pray to see the truth about myself. I was toxic in many ways. Arguing and fighting with anyone and one day I thought, "this arguing and fighting needs to stop." I pray about my anger and hurt and it took me down many painful past memories. It all came down to hurt and pain.

 

I realized I'm not an alcoholic and I'm not a drug addict. I was just really hurt.

 

When we are hurt and violated, we become mean and violent trying to protect ourself because at one time we were helpless.

I decided I needed to do everything I possible could to try to shield and protect my children. Sad part is, it happened to them.

 

Some days I have negative thoughts but I tell on them and never let them fester into violence and anger. Every time I feel that anger hurt come I do my best to follow it and it always ends up at some childhood hurt.

I told myself I'm not that child anymore and I can protect myself.

I’m not that hurt child anymore and I don’t need violence and anger to protect myself.

I’m not that hurt child anymore, I'm a grown woman.

 

I found there are easier way to speak and it was pray first, never speak out of strong emotion. Wait for calmness and peace so I can bring solutions and truth with love and kindness.

 

I’m not that child anymore….. 21 years clean and sober I was 27 when I quit